Boys and girls, it’s time we discussed the most terrifying threat to our national security. This is the most sinister Commie plot ever conceived. No, not the fluoridation of our water, but the very real possibility that Mike Modano AKA “Livonia Jesus” might return to the parched and barren pastures which he once called home: the greater Detroit Metropolitan area. In Modano’s inspiring and Hall of Fame career, he has managed to disentangle himself from the shackles of his evil roots and become possibly the greatest American to ever play the game, but now that he is a free agent, he might make his way back to Mordor and sign with the Legion of Doom (with Lex Luthor, Brainiac, Todd Bertuzzi, and, most diabolical of all, Tomas Holmström- the umlauts let you know how truly evil he is).

Why, you might ask, would I write such incendiary comments from my spacious cubicle in Livonia? Because the people deserve to know the truth, and I, your dutiful intern/investigative journalist behind enemy lines is the only one to tell the world. Mike Modano is a beacon of hope in our times of despair, and his reputation cannot be tarnished by a slanderous association with the Axis of Evil. If, by some contrivance, some hell-born deception, the Sith Lords announce the Golden One’s return to the Land-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named, then we will know the truth: Mike Modano has been captured by evildoers and, in a commie PR stunt, a cosmetic-surgically enhanced Russian body double has signed in his place.

And yes, if you couldn’t tell, I grew up in the Heartland of Hockey, the epicenter of the modern game, the TRUE Hockeytown, Plano, Texas.

Daily SAT Prep:

Try to keep up, this is a tough one,

: : as

Plano: Center of the Hockey Universe

as : 

Questions, Comments, Concerns, and Clown Jokes:

Supposedly Bosh and Wade have agreed to terms with Miami, and allegedly BronBron will make an announcement tomorrow night on ESPN. Then again last night I watched in amazement as a reporter announced that he would be announcing news that LeBron had announced when he would be announcing his announcement, after the break. (Feel free to reread that sentence, it was a doozy) I’ll believe all of this when I see it. I’m still expecting this hoopla (hoopla- get it!) to last until at least the All-Star break. Then again The Collection-of-Less-Than-Savory-Characters might make a power move to try and get The Other Chosen One onto their roster of miscreants and hooligans as a fourth line winger along with Modano.

In World Cup news, the Dutch made quite a push for relevancy in the who-gets-to-get-crushed-in-the-Final showdown (I really do want them to win). Despite an AWESOME bicycle kick to the face, the Flying Dutchmen crushed the Uruguayans to relegate all of South America out of the Cup, leaving only Europeans to continue feeling superior to the rest of the world in every way.

On a surprising note, BP is still making its post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland film staring Kevin Costner (named OilWorld) and Tiger Woods still hates the press.

And, most importantly: Peace. Love. Modano. And Fatheads.

If you know the state where every school in the Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament is located, then I can safely say you have too much time on your hands. OK, some are pretty easy – North Texas is probably in Texas. South Dakota State is probably not in California. It turns out Oakland is not in California, but Michigan. Go figure. But where in the world is Wofford?

Some of these schools are what TV producers and broadcasters crave – air time filler, the Cinderella story, the little known school with big time hopes. So let’s take the example of Wofford. At under 1500 students it’s about the size of the Division III college I went to as an undergrad. How did they make it to Division I? You might think it was by focusing nearly exclusively on athletics but the school is ranked as one of the top 60 national private, liberal arts colleges in the country and has produced five Rhodes Scholars.  They are one of the smallest schools ever to go to the NCAA tournament but they’re not the 16 seed you might expect – they’ve earned  a 13 seed and are slated to play Wisconsin. If I were the Badgers I’d watch out for these guys. They’re nicknamed the Terriers and it’s always the small dogs with big attitude that end up biting your finger.

Anyway, I figure the Big Dance is always a good time to find out something about a school you’ve never heard of. If your alma mater is playing this week, or you just want to wave the flag about your school, give us a shout and tell us what makes your school special. By the way, Wofford is located in Spartanburg, South Carolina. You can add that to your bracketknowledgey.

Wofford College

By John Fontana

Queue the marching band. Queue the cheerleaders. Queue the coaches, the team and the trainer. And for the sake of college football and all its excitement, queue the University of Colorado’s Ralphie, http://www.autumnspectacle.com/Pageantry/Ralphie-runout.jpg the greatest live mascot http://www.fathead.com/college/colorado-buffaloes/colorado-buffaloes-logo/ in college sports – hands down. Nothing strikes fear in the hearts of young men like the sight of a 1,300-pound hulk of hairy buffalo (actually an American Bison) bearing down on them when Ralphie makes her (yes, her) pregame run right into the teeth of the opponent’s warm-ups. There have been more than a few players who have had to change their pants even before the game started.

A tradition since 1967, Ralphie V made her debut Sunday at Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver (three days after Barack Obama accepted the Democratic presidential nomination at the same venue), leading the Colorado Buffaloes into their annual in-state rivalry against Colorado State (represented by a docile old Ram that wets itself at the site of the great buffalo). Talkn’ smack? You bet. My wife went to CSU. I went to CU.   Colorado won the game, 38-17.

There is nothing like college rivalry to light the flame in a college football fan’s heart. It’s the game that puts a glint in a fan’s eye as sharp as Ralphie’s horns.  Michigan-Ohio State. Miami-Florida State. Oklahoma-Texas. Alabama-Auburn. USC-Notre Dame. Army-Navy. Florida-Georgia. Harvard-Yale. Cal-Stanford. Minnesota-Wisconsin. Alabama-Tennessee. Washington-Washington State. Clemson-South Carolina.

Colorado Buffalos Logo by Fathead

Every fan wants to see their college team win on Saturday, but with a rivalry game it’s about pain, suffering, and a guaranteed 365 days of bragging rights until next year.  Rivalry is about opening the portal to that dark spot on your heart; about that shooting pain of contempt, about the one win that rescues even a season of crushing defeats. It’s everything that makes college football the best way to spend a fall afternoon.
The smell of tailgate barbeques, the sound of college fight songs, and the sight of Ralphie bearing down on those silly enough to stand in her way.