March 10, 2014

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The Week in Sports

By: Anson Whaley

Lakers Suffer Worst Loss in Franchise History: The Los Angeles Lakers are one of the NBA’s most storied franchises, but with a slew of injuries, the team is sinking to new lows this year. Another ‘benchmark’ was set as the team suffered a demoralizing 142-94 loss to the Los Angeles Clippers last week. After the Lakers were dominated 44-13 in the second quarter, the rout was on. With a roster featuring an aging Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol, and not much else, the franchise is desperately in need of a roster upgrade in the offseason. Unfortunately, Gasol is one of the few real assets they have to trade and having failed to find a suitable deal to this point for the big man, the Lakers just don’t have many options heading into next season.

Kobe Bryant

Can the Lakers turn their season around before it's too late?

Doug McDermott Joins 3,000-point Club: Creighton star Doug McDermott joined the NCAA’s 3,000-point club with a 45-point performance in an 88-73 win over Providence. In the process, McDermott vaulted himself to the seventh-leading scorer in Division I basketball, passing Oscar Robertson and Hersey Hawkins. McDermott is having an incredible season and recently also passed Larry Bird, Danny Manning, and Elvin Hayes on the list. What makes his year even more special, though, is Creighton’s season as a team. The Bluejays finished 24-6 on the year in the regular season and are ranked among the nation’s top 15 teams.

Tommy John Surgeon Dies: Dr. Frank Jobe who pioneered the famous Tommy John surgery died last week at the age of 88. Jobe performed the initial surgery on pitcher Tommy John, replacing a torn ligament in John’s arm with a tendon from his forearm. Then a breakthrough surgery, hundreds of pitchers have since had the procedure and there’s no doubt that Jobe extended many careers in the process. John himself went on to pitch another 14 years following the procedure and there’s no telling how many pitchers’ careers would have been cut short without the revolutionary surgery.

Mike Modano Number Retired: Mike Modano’s No. 9 was retired by the Dallas Stars last week in a legendary ceremony. Not only were 20 members from the 1999 championship team present wearing jerseys with No. 9 patches, but other Dallas-area stars in other sports such as the MavericksDirk Nowitzki, and Dallas Cowboys Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach, were all present on the ice as well to celebrate the achievement. Modano, who finished his career with more goals and points than any other American-born NHL player, was surely deserving.

Shaq Video Game: Former basketball star/current millionaire Shaquille O’Neal and a video game developer not only want to create a video game, but apparently want fans to help invest in it. Seems legit.

Tie Hockey Game Results in Co-champions: Two high school hockey teams stood tied after an amazing seven overtime periods and decided to call it quits in an Ohio state championship game. Both teams, Sylvania Northview and Cleveland St. Ignatius, citing fatigue, agreed to a 1-1 tie and were declared co-champions. Calling the game early was probably the safe thing to do if both teams were literally too tired to continue. However, it underscores the need for a revised format – after all, why not have a shootout after three overtimes and declare a true champion?

It’s the Sleeves, Man: NBA star Lebron James had an off night last week in the San Antonio Spurs’ 111-87 rout of the Miami Heat. It wasn’t the recently broken nose that was the problem in his 6-18 shooting night, though. James said after the game that he wasn’t a fan of the sleeved jerseys the Heat and other teams were wearing this season. For the record, he didn’t want to use that as the official excuse, but James, like others, does think it’s affecting shots. On the surface it might sound petty, but James makes a good point in that there is little margin for error on a player’s jump shot. It’s easy to see that something as restrictive as a sleeved jersey could cause problems for certain players.

Harvard Kicks off March Madness: March Madness is officially here and Harvard was the first team to usher it in. The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament got its first participant as Harvard knocked off Yale, 70-58, to win the Ivy League Championship and gain an automatic berth. Many more teams will shortly punch their ticket to the Big Dance with conference titles in the upcoming week.

Hat Trick Shenanigans: Hat tricks in hockey generally elicit baseball caps being thrown onto the ice. In Dallas? Cowboy hats.

August 4, 2010

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Charles: The End is Nigh

By: Charles

The world as we know it is coming to an end. Civilization is crumbling around us, and there simply is no hope.

Mike Modano is a Red Wing. I know. It hurts to even think it. I warned ‘Murrica about this, but to no avail. How could Livonia Jesus betray everything that is right and good in the world and go to the so-called “Hockeytown” (have they ever heard of Montreal?) to play with heathens and communists? This is a slap in the face of righteousness.  Children the world over are weeping in a tragedy more heartbreaking than the death of Santa Claus. The UN is currently discussing sanctions to levy against Michigan for upsetting the balance  of good and evil in the universe. This is like Captain Kirk defecting to the Klingons. Superman fighting for the Legion of Doom. LeBron leaving Clevela… oh… wait… bad example.

Why would he do this to us? I, for one, am happy that I bought his Fathead in his true colors and I make it a personal guarantee to sabotage this company from the inside to ensure that no one is ever forced to look upon the disgrace of a high definition self adhesive wall graphic of Mike Bro-Dano in the blood-red jersey of the devil-worshippers in Joe Louie.

Unless….. there is hope. What if Modano is going to the Wings to take them down from the inside?! That’s it! He’s like that guy from the end of Independence Day, sacrificing himself for the good of the entire world while screaming “hello boys… I’m BAAAAAAACK!” (Check out Modano’s sacrifice here). He’s like Batman, taking the fall for Harvey Dent because he can be whatever Gotham needs him to be. Saint Modano- a martyr and a true American Hero.

But regardless- I’m not gonna risk the chance of him just being a Brett Favre. I’m quitting my job and leaving the state of Michigan today in protest. Seriously.

For our last SAT Prep:

If =

Then Charles =

Questions, Comments, Concerns and The Best Joke Ever

Albert Haynesworth might be the single greatest waste of talent to ever disgrace the human race. After signing a contract worth 7 times Hiati’s yearly GDP AND getting $21 Million bonus in April (HOW CAN YOU BE UPSET WITH ANYTHING AFTER BEING HANDED 21 Million DOLLARS?!?!?!) this overweight vacuous waste of life can’t or won’t finish his conditioning test. In a display of selfishness and childishness rarely seen pasts the age of 5, apparently Haynesworth is going to pout in the corner until Shanahan gives him what he wants. I hope Shanahan benches him and recoups as much money from that absurd contract as possible. More than anything I want to see one of these primadonna athletes get stuck and be forced to wallow in their own filth, just like Shanahan should’ve made Brandon Marshall do. You won’t play a 3-4? Fine. Good luck making the pro-bowl from the bench.

Speaking of attention-seeking Divas, Favre apparently retired again! And no one cares! I really enjoy the fact that when Favre announces a retirement, ESPN starts running polls on whether or not people think it’s for real this time. Great credibility Brett.

In the real world, apparently St. John the Baptist’s remains have been discovered, and Wyclef Jean is going to run for president of Haiti. To both I reply with a resounding…. what?????

It’s been fun gang. Thanks for reading.

Peace. Love. Fatheads.

July 7, 2010

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Charles’ Warning to ‘Murrica: ModaNO!

By: Charles

Boys and girls, it’s time we discussed the most terrifying threat to our national security. This is the most sinister Commie plot ever conceived. No, not the fluoridation of our water, but the very real possibility that Mike Modano AKA “Livonia Jesus” might return to the parched and barren pastures which he once called home: the greater Detroit Metropolitan area. In Modano’s inspiring and Hall of Fame career, he has managed to disentangle himself from the shackles of his evil roots and become possibly the greatest American to ever play the game, but now that he is a free agent, he might make his way back to Mordor and sign with the Legion of Doom (with Lex Luthor, Brainiac, Todd Bertuzzi, and, most diabolical of all, Tomas Holmström- the umlauts let you know how truly evil he is).

Why, you might ask, would I write such incendiary comments from my spacious cubicle in Livonia? Because the people deserve to know the truth, and I, your dutiful intern/investigative journalist behind enemy lines is the only one to tell the world. Mike Modano is a beacon of hope in our times of despair, and his reputation cannot be tarnished by a slanderous association with the Axis of Evil. If, by some contrivance, some hell-born deception, the Sith Lords announce the Golden One’s return to the Land-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named, then we will know the truth: Mike Modano has been captured by evildoers and, in a commie PR stunt, a cosmetic-surgically enhanced Russian body double has signed in his place.

And yes, if you couldn’t tell, I grew up in the Heartland of Hockey, the epicenter of the modern game, the TRUE Hockeytown, Plano, Texas.

Daily SAT Prep:

Try to keep up, this is a tough one,

: : as

Plano: Center of the Hockey Universe


Questions, Comments, Concerns, and Clown Jokes:

Supposedly Bosh and Wade have agreed to terms with Miami, and allegedly BronBron will make an announcement tomorrow night on ESPN. Then again last night I watched in amazement as a reporter announced that he would be announcing news that LeBron had announced when he would be announcing his announcement, after the break. (Feel free to reread that sentence, it was a doozy) I’ll believe all of this when I see it. I’m still expecting this hoopla (hoopla- get it!) to last until at least the All-Star break. Then again The Collection-of-Less-Than-Savory-Characters might make a power move to try and get The Other Chosen One onto their roster of miscreants and hooligans as a fourth line winger along with Modano.

In World Cup news, the Dutch made quite a push for relevancy in the who-gets-to-get-crushed-in-the-Final showdown (I really do want them to win). Despite an AWESOME bicycle kick to the face, the Flying Dutchmen crushed the Uruguayans to relegate all of South America out of the Cup, leaving only Europeans to continue feeling superior to the rest of the world in every way.

On a surprising note, BP is still making its post-apocalyptic industrial wasteland film staring Kevin Costner (named OilWorld) and Tiger Woods still hates the press.

And, most importantly: Peace. Love. Modano. And Fatheads.

December 3, 2008

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The NHL: No Longer a Canada Thing?

By: realbigfathead

By Shawn Lucas

I was very surprised this week when reading a small article in “The Hockey News.”
Being a lifelong hockey fan, I was completely shocked when reading the names of the top ten active leaders in career points – not so much by the names as  their nationalities….

The NHL has traditionally been dominated by Canadians.  In 2007-08, more than half (52%) of all NHL players were from Canada.  The top ranks of the NHL, though still full of Canadians, is no longer a league dominated by players from The Great White North.

Today’s domination comes from stars such as Pittsburgh’s Evgeni Malkin, Washington’s Alex tandem of Semin and Ovechkin and who can overlook what has been the strongest team of the last decade, the Detroit Red Wings, whose team boasts the likes of Henrik Zetterberg, Pavel Datsyuk, Marian Hossa and the league’s best defenseman in Nicklas Lidstrom?

The future of hockey definitely looks bright on the global stafe.  On the list of active NHL leaders in career points, there are only 3 Canadians – while the USA is represented 4 times, the most of any country on the list.  There are a few developments that could re-define the list this year.

If Brendan Shanahan, 1340 (CAN) or Mats Sundin, 1321 (SWE) can catch on with a team, then each would bump someone off the list.  As they are not currently active, here is the list of active players and their respective nationalities

1.    Joe Sakic, Colorado Avalanche, 1641 (CAN)
2.    Mark Recchi, Tampa Bay Lightning, 1393 (CAN)
3.    Mike Modano, Dallas Stars, 1294 (USA)
4.    Jeremy Roenick, San Jose Sharks, 1207 (USA)
5.    Teemu Selanne, Anaheim Ducks, 1176, (FIN)
6.    Sergei Fedorov, Washington Capitals, 1155, (RUS)
7.    Rod Brind’Amour, Carolina Hurricanes, 1127 (CAN)
8.    Keith Tkachuk, St. Louis Blues, 996 (USA)
9.    Doug Weight, N.Y. Islanders, 985 (USA)
10.    Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit Red Wings, 950 (SWE)